Here is the catch up chapter. I really am tired of repeating the story as I really feel that if one owns the word "cancer" one runs the risk of accepting the finality of the word...as in if one says "i am so fat" - then one feels fat even if one is not fat...so no cancer for me...i am cancering through it to the otherside - to find my new life.
Here are the details:
January 2011@ routine exam, new doc finds a pulsating abdominal mass - he suggests I have an aortic A and writes referral for ultrasound to rule out. I have no symptoms. He comments, "Perhaps I am just hearing your aorta loudly because you are thin...". He also told me I needed to see a dentist as my teeth looked awful and to buy wider shoes as my feet hurt. Tact was not his strong suit. ;-) Thirty days later, the ultrasound tech said I did not have an aneurysm, but an "alligator"...and after the third tech came in to collaborate, I was sent home to call for another appointment to have a Cat-Scan. ( I put all these details in because I am always amazed how many obstacles are in the way, steps that need to be done, for anyone to get to the right time and place for medical care these days.)
The next two weeks: Catscan, labs, more catscans and one with biopsy...and then waiting.
February 18, 2011: Friday afternoon in the oncologist office- I get the official report: NHL follicular small cleaved cell lymphoma, indolent grade B...no cure but can be treated... his suggestion R-CVP every 3 weeks ( if I tolerate each treatment so that I run on time) for 6-8 treatments.
I am to start w/o Rutuxin
I have such a large tumor load- and all the dead cancer cells might clog up my kidneys (kidney lysis)...but as I am healthy and in good shape, I should just fly through this ( last few words were mine). I just need to get a bone marrow biopsy and then we can begin. Sounds easy doesn't it. A walk in the park....
WAIT!!!! what happened to my real life - the one outside of today - of cancer??????????????
I went to see a friend who does oncology for a living...he was kinder and gentler - felt safe there - but he said the same...adding as he showed me the Cancer Guideline- "see if we had the answer there would not be so many choices"...and "The new treatments are often featured on Time and Newsweek- there is a lot of research"....
Then in the midst of this was the fun task:. Telling my daughter, my parents, extended family and all my friends.... over and over again...trying to remember what I had said in case was trying not to tell someone something...but then I really am not like that. I am just a person who puts it out there - and deals with it...easier- don't have to remember what you said and why...
but now 5 months into this and I am tired of repeating the story. I have recovered from the shock, though some days it is just a bit overwhelming...most of the time I don't dwell on it.
I have to add here that in 1978 and 1988 I had other cancers...and as I stepped back from the abyss of diagnosis, I remembered that each time what I had was a shock, and each time I handled it- but had to do the research and decision making for myself, pretty much, so this isn't new....just pissy as I wanted to enjoy the next 20 years not spend it doing reading and research...such is life, the hand I have been handed...etc...
As I used to tell my kids, " Life is not fair, no one gets an equal piece of pie."
So after a few weeks, I lucked into Surviving Lymphoma and began to read beyond the medical information that scares us all to pieces...and moved on.
I have turned down the chemo nurse 3 times...she calls and I tell her I am on hold...in this case I am looking for spontaneous remission - as in this cancer, SR is a real possibility.
Qigong is my practice, sun gazing, being out in the natural world, seeing it all with eyes of wonder, swimming, painting, cooking, laughing, looking outside the box, traveling and being.. that is my life as of now.
Oh, did I tell you I quit my job- my favorite job- was just about to sign up for another year- but this caught my attention and in one long week- I knew that I had to quit- to focus on myself and my 20 year plan.
Thanks for listening...tune in again.
